When I lecture about boundaries, I start the lecture by grabbing a couple of hula hoops. I ask for volunteers and we giggle through a few minutes of a hula-hoop-athon, and then we set the hula hoops on the floor and I begin to talk about boundaries.

In life, we each have a our own “hula hoop”. Imagine that we are all standing inside a hula hoop that is on the ground, and inside the hula hoop is everything that belongs to us. It includes our self, our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, experiences, beliefs, choices, reactions, belongings, bodies. Basically everything about us. We are responsible for our hula hoops and others are responsible for theirs. Trouble starts when we mess with each other’s hula hoops or allow others to mess with ours.

So boundaries, then, are choosing what we want to allow into our hula hoops and what we don’t. In theory, if we have healthy boundaries, we can live a relatively safe and happy life with not too many things entering our hula hoops and hurting us. If we DON’T have healthy boundaries, we run the risk of others continuing to mess with our hula hoops and we continue to get hurt. In theory.

One of the unfortunate truths about life is this: we can’t always control what comes into our “hula hoops.”

This means that what other people do could significantly impact my life. All “hula hoop” have a permeable membrane, and we are vulnerable. Another’s choice can create a painful situation for us.

So, boundaries. Bottom line, boundaries are requests that we make, but they also have a bonus. A boundary is a request with teeth in it. We have to be able to enforce it ourselves.

How to set a boundary

Sometimes it helps to have a script. Here’s one to try. “When you ____________ (behavior), I feel ____________ (feeling) and if you do that again I will _____________ (action you will take to protect yourself).”

A request is “Please stop yelling at me over the phone.” A boundary is “When you yell at me over the phone, I feel hurt. If you do that again, I will hang up and talk with you at another time.” Specific, enforceable and clear.

The un-bitch-ifier part

Let’s pull it apart a little. What makes it a little less bithcy? Two things:

You are talking about the feelings associated when the behavior happens. That’s part of what helps it be less bitchy. Now, clearly, I won’t be saying “When you…I feel” with the person bagging my groceries, but in my close relationships, it may help our loved one to see why it is important to us and how we feel when they do that behavior. Also, my focus is more on how I feel than their behavior, therefore I come across less attacking and more just plain honest. You can leave that part out and just say “If you yell at me, I will hang up the phone” – and that may be appropriate in some situations. But sharing how we feel with those closest to us may make it easier for them to honor our wishes and over time it builds understanding.
You are not trying to control them. (This also helps with the un-bitch-ifying). You aren’t yelling, you aren’t demanding, you aren’t even mad necessarily. You are just clear. When that behavior happens again, you will hold your OWN boundary and do what you need to do to stay safe. YOUR deal. Not theirs.

What if they say “no”?

We can’t control another’s behavior. Setting a boundary is, at first, a request for the other person to change their behavior. But people can say no.

Then what?

Let’s think again about the hula hoops. If someone in my life insists on doing a hurtful behavior to me, think of it like they’re stepping or throwing things into my hula hoop. I get to figure out how to handle that. I have two options:

1. I can say it again, more loudly and more forcefully and hope they hear me and comply. Maybe they didn’t understand me or believe that I meant what I said and stating it again more loudly may help them get it.

2. OR, I can move my hula hoop where they can’t step or throw things into it. Sometimes, distance of some kind is the answer. Sometimes relationships that are not emotionally safe need to be distant until respect and safety has resumed.

For example, let’s say my coworker keeps stealing my lunch out of the office fridge. He or she is asked to not take others’ food, but chooses to do so anyway. That means that my lunch is gone, and I feel mad and hungry. I have two options. I can:

1. Re-state with more intensity my request that he or she not take my lunch. Use the “When you…I feel” to decrease the chance of defensive reactions or pushback. For example, “When you take my lunch, I feel frustrated and angry. If you do that again, I will report it to the supervisor…or I will stop bringing my lunch…or…”

2. OR, I may need to create distance or change the relationship. I may choose to not eat in the lunch room, or go out for lunch instead. It’s MY job to enforce my own boundary or handle my own safety. Tough to do, but the focus is that I am the one enforcing the safety of my hula hoop, even if the other person says no or just continues the hurtful behavior.

The more we are able to set healthy boundaries where we can, the safer we are. And the more we set healthy boundaries the more others sit up and say “Oh! If she can do it, so can I!” Over time, we’ll all get better at speaking our truth, at letting go, and at working together toward our common good. And the world will be a healthier place. Both physically and emotionally.

If these words resonate with you and you’d like to explore or grow more deeply in this area, I’m here. I would love to support you in learning to set healthy boundaries in ALL areas of life. Call/text to set up a free consultation at 760-776-0670 or email lavelle@lavellejacobson.com.