Hey there, relationship navigators! Whether you're facing rough seas or smooth sailing, knowing when to seek help and what kind of help to seek is key to maintaining a healthy, happy relationship. Today, we’re diving into a question many couples face: Should we start with individual therapy or couples therapy?
Admittedly, I have sent some of my client couples back to individual therapy before I was willing to continue couples therapy with them. A tough decision at times, but an important one. Here’s why: Sometimes couples therapy is not the right choice!
I know, I know. It feels like the trouble is in the relationship. And it is. But sometimes it is in the relationship BECAUSE one or both partners are wrestling with big things. And those may need to be handled first.
So how do we know which to do? Let’s break it down to help you make the best decision for your situation.
When Individual Therapy Might Be the Answer
Individual therapy focuses on you—your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And if there are BIG things happening with you or your partner that impact the relationship in a significant way, individual therapy might be the place to start. Here are some scenarios where it might be the best fit:
Personal Issues Affecting the Relationship -
If you’re dealing with personal struggles like anxiety, depression, other mental health diagnoses, past trauma, or self-esteem issues, these can heavily impact your relationship. Sometimes they can make progress in couples therapy really difficult as one partner is dealing with too much individually. Working on these with a therapist can help you be ready to work on the relationship.
Need for Self-Discovery
Sometimes, we need to understand ourselves better before we can fully engage in a relationship. Individual therapy can provide a safe space for self-exploration and growth.
Desire for Personal Growth
If you’re feeling stuck in your own personal development, individual therapy can help you set and achieve personal goals, which can, in turn, positively affect your relationship.
Confidentiality, Comfort and Safety
There might be issues you’re not ready to share with your partner yet. Individual therapy offers a confidential space to work through these difficulties.
Some partners know that there are topics that are not safe to talk about with their partner. These topics may be best addressed in individual therapy.
And, some relationships are not safe. If you are experiencing intimate partner/domestic violence, emotional abuse, marital sexual coercion, psychological abuse or narcissistic abuse, it is best to start with individual therapy. These larger and more dangerous situations are brought into the light in couples therapy, sometimes causing more abuse at home. And we don’t want that. Individual therapy can help create more safety rather than less.
When Couples Therapy Might Be the Way to Go
Couples therapy focuses on the relationship dynamics and interactions between partners. Here’s when it might be more suitable:
Communication Breakdowns
If you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively—whether it’s constant arguing, misunderstandings, or feeling unheard—couples therapy can teach you better communication skills.
Rebuilding Trust
Issues like infidelity or betrayal can severely damage trust. Couples therapy can provide a structured environment to work through these challenges and rebuild trust.
Recurring Conflicts
If you’re stuck in a cycle of the same arguments, couples therapy can help identify and address the underlying issues causing these patterns.
Life Transitions
Big changes like moving in together, getting married, having a baby, or dealing with a loss can put a strain on a relationship. Couples therapy can help navigate these transitions smoothly.
Enhancing Connection
Even if things are generally good, couples therapy can help you deepen your connection, improve intimacy, and strengthen your relationship.
Making the Decision: Questions to Ask Yourself
To decide whether individual or couples therapy is the best step right now, consider the following questions:
What are the main issues we’re facing?
Are they personal or relational? If it’s a mix, you might benefit from both types of therapy.
Are we both willing to participate in couples therapy?
Couples therapy requires both partners to be engaged and willing to work on the relationship. In fact in my practice, I require couples to both be invested in the idea of growing AND committed to the process of growth.
What are our goals?
Are your goals primarily about improving yourself or your relationship? Clarifying this can guide your choice.
What’s the urgency?
If your relationship feels like it’s at a breaking point, couples therapy might be more pressing. If personal struggles are dominating your life, individual therapy could be more urgent.
Combining Therapies: The Best of Both Worlds
In many cases, a combination of both individual and couples therapy can be the most effective approach. You might start with one type and add the other as needed. For example, working individually on personal issues while also addressing relationship dynamics together can provide a comprehensive path to healing and growth. Often in this situation, clients will sign a release-of-information so that the therapists can collaborate and work together toward common goals.
Conclusion
Deciding between individual and couples therapy doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing choice. The most important step is recognizing that seeking help is a positive move towards a healthier, happier life and relationship. Whether you choose individual therapy, couples therapy, or a combination of both, you’re taking a proactive step in the right direction.
Remember, the goal is to foster understanding, connection, and well-being. So take a deep breath, communicate with your partner, and make the choice that feels right for you. Here’s to growth and love—cheers to you!
Feel free to share your thoughts, questions, or experiences in the comments below. And to chat with me to help clarify your decision, give me a call at 760-776-0670 to set up a free consultation.